Movie Talk: "If The Great Directors Did Harry Potter"

Well, in a few more weeks we'll be seeing the last of the Harry Potter movies. A bunch of different directors have had their shots at the series, but I couldn't help but wonder about the big names that will never get their chance. Some, of course, never COULD HAVE done a Harry Potter film, because they're deceased, and even folks like Martin Scorcese won't be able to, now that the series is at an end. But you don't necessarily have to sit around wondering what those films might have been like. Presenting... "If The Great Directors Did Harry Potter".

ALFRED HITCHCOCK. Harry has been injured in a major Quidditch accident, and is in traction in his apartment while he recovers. He has taken to spying on the building across from him with binoculars, and is convinced that in one of the rooms of the building opposite him he has seen Snape murdering Dumbledore. He sends Ginny Weasely over to the the building to gather evidence, but is surprised to find a Deatheater on patrol there, as Snape discovers Harry's spying and decides to put an end to this.... (OR) Ron is shocked by the apparent death of Hermione, then doesn't know what to make of it when he meets a blonde woman who seems to be Hermione's exact double and becomes involved with her. He will eventually discover both her mysterious secret, and the reason for his long-running case of Vertigo (which is the real reason he never became a Quidditch star like Harry).

AKIRA KUROSOWA. No longer studying at Hogwarts, Harry, Ron and Hermione are a group of masterless wizards roaming the land when they discover a band of muggles who are being terrorized by evil wizards and need someone to defend them. Much of the film is taken up by the gradual assembling of a team of wizards, which for some reason must number seven, each one of whom must have their own personal magical specialty. (OR) A mysterious figure comes into Hogwarts and upsets the delicate balance of war & peace between Gryffindor and Slitherin when he secretly goes to work for each side and sets them against each other so that he can collect whatever spoils he wants from the wreckage of the resulting battle after it's over. His name is never revealed, but likely could be Jim, as someone is heard calling to him "Yo, Jimbo!" (or something like that).

MARTIN SCORSESE. For a change of pace we have a story concentrating on the inhabitants of the house of Slitherin. We see Draco Malfoy's history of evil as he grows up admiring the evil wizards and spends his whole life trying to become an official made man, or "Goodwizard". Malfoy narrates this unusually violent tale himself, filled with the pop music of the 1970's, for some reason (though the Rolling Stones are at least British). (OR) Harry goes undercover in Slitherin to find out their deepest secrets, while at the same time Draco Malfoy becomes an undercover agent inside Gryffindor, as each of them begins to be strangely attracted to the other side. The film has a major casting change, as Voldemort is now played by Jack Nicholson in the exciting saga "The Dewanded".

WOODY ALLEN. Harry opens the film speaking directly to the audience about his dysfunctional relationship with Ginny Weasley, in a speech unnacountably filled with old Borscht-belt jokes and Groucho Marx references. Ron and Hermione put up with his strange behavior and accompany him through a series of scenes that keep flitting back and forth between the past and present. Harry, for some reason, makes some insulting remarks about Los Angeles. (OR) Voldemort begins to have signs of a haunted conscience following his 3, 559th killing, feeling that some all-powerful force is watching and judging him. But as he clearly appears to be getting away with it, his whole outlook changes. This serious storyline is contrasted with a bit of comedy involving Ron's rivalry with a more successful wizard for Hermione in the exciting film "Magical Crimes and Muggledemeanors".

SPIKE JONZE. In a hidden room in Gryffindor, the gang discovers a mystical passageway that leads directly into the mind of Voldemort, but for only fifteen minutes. Harry sees this as a way of getting enough insight into Voldemort's mind to defeat him, but everyone else is only interested in the money-making potential of selling those 15 minute blocks of time. (OR) A previously unknown identical twin brother of Harry, Larry Potter, turns up, and drives Harry crazy with the way he's able to achieve greater success at wizardry than Harry while barely studying and adhering much more closely to the established rules than Harry ever has. Tragically, the story's adventure winds up with Harry killed, but Larry takes over and barely anyone notices, in "Maladaptation".

Now that I think of it, maybe it IS better that none of these folks ever got to do a Harry Potter film.