Movie Talk: "Oscar Haiku"

 A few brief comments first about last night's awards: No significant shocks at all, but a few nice suprises. I got six of my eight predictions correct, and in the two instances where they weren't, films I had PREDICTED to win didn't, but films I had picked as my own personal choices did... and that's the kind of situation where it's nice to be wrong. It wasn't exactly the most dynamic of ceremonies: Steve Martin has been funny and a good host in the past when doing the show solo, but both he and Alec Baldwin were clearly reading lines written  by someone else off of cue cards the entire night and never exactly seemed to get very enthusiastic about it. I was pleased that "Hurt Locker" and "Precious", my two favorite films of the year, got as many as they did, particularly since they were my personal choices for the two writing awards and I didn't think either would win, but both did. I do kind of wish I could have seen Gabourey Sidibe of "Precious" could have taken best actress, but I wasn't really expecting anyone else to win it but Sandra Bullock. No offense intended to Bullock and her fans... and I haven't seen "The Blind Side"... but I don't think I saw as strong a performance as Sidibe's in all of last year, except for Mo'Nique from the same movie. I was thinking for a while there that the show might come in on schedule... ha ha, silly me! And they did themselves no favors by eliminating performances of the "Best Songs" (a move I applaud, as much as I loved "The Weary Kind") and then doubling the number of nominees and still doing that stupid production number with the dancers for the musical score category. All in all, a pretty typical, not particularly exciting show, but for the most part the right people won, and I'm glad about that. (I was kind of anticipating some comments from Katherine Bigelow about James Cameron, but nothing... oh, well.)

Now on the the main order of business... a bunch of haiku inspired by the Oscars. Some of them are specifically about this year's awards, others apply to the Oscars in general. I should mention that every single one of these was written BEFORE the awards broadcast, which shows you how certain I was about Bigelow, "The Hurt Locker", "The Weary Kind" and Mo'Nique winning. And I know pretty much all of you are fully aware of what haiku is, but I don't ever want to assume everyone does, so just in case... haiku is a form of poetry originating in Japan and in its most traditional form consisting of a total of seventeen syllables in three lines... five, seven and five. Also in its traditional form, it does not ever.... EVER... rhyme. And away we go...

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You think Oscars just

go to those who deserve them?

You are so funny!

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THE HURT LOCKER WINS

1. Iraq doesn't make

   people feel "warm and fuzzy"

  so nobody went

 

 2. NOW, of course, they'll go

     and they'll all pretend that they

    loved it from the start

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"THE WEARY KIND" WINS

An Oscar "Best Song"

that's worthy of its award?

How did this happen?

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There STILL hasn't been

a black "best director" win

isn't progress great?

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LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

Your career's over

hope this helps make up for it

now, get off the stage

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Do not speak too long

or we'll show you our respect

by drowning you out

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The show is scheduled

to end a few hours before

next year's show begins

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How to shorten it?

Hey, what say we nominate

twice as many films?

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MO'NIQUE WINS

The Oscars show they're

not COMPLETELY out of touch

(well, at least THIS year)

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KATHERINE BIGELOW WINS

Now, how many years

'til a SECOND woman wins?

THAT will be the test

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 1.  Every year I think

     I might never watch again

     yet, each year, I do

 

2. For all my complaints

   I could never miss the show

  I'm a sick, sick man

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It's supposed to be

the Oscars, not Fashion Night

who cares who wore who?

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How many recall

who won the big ones last year?

Yeah, that's what I thought

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THE OSCAR WINNER CURSE

Cuba Gooding won

the next year, he made "Snow Dogs"

Good luck, this year's crowd