Movie Talk: "The Movie Critic Murder"

(Presentng the concluding scene from the non-existent film "The Movie Critic Murder". Inspector Wentworth has gathered all the suspects together to reveal the identity of the murderer of film critic Andrew Fuller, who was pushed off of the top of the Hopkins Theatre sign. They are gathered at police headquarters, where Fuller's body has just undergone an autopsy.)

Wentworth: I am about to reveal to you the identity of the killer. None of you should get too complacent, because you all had good cause to hate Mr. Fuller and wish him dead. For instance... (turns to a well-dressed, professorial type man)... YOU, Professor Bliss! You have taught film courses in universities around the nation, written very scholarly work on the history of film... and you are well known for despising Mr. Fuller as what you refer to as a "popularizer"! Someone who does not take film with the academic sense of seriousness you do, and you have on more than one occasion let it be known that you think the world would be better off without Fuller and those like him who are little more than "one of the plebes", someone who has even been known to enjoy a "Star Wars" film!

Bliss: Come on, now, Wentworth! Yes, I said the world would be better off without him... we don't need that common mob mentality regarding film... but that doesn't mean I killed him! After all, who HASN'T wanted to kill a movie critic from time to time! And I happen to be on record as attending a symposium on Film Aesthetics at New York University at the time Mr. Fuller was killed!

Wentworth: Yes, that's true. There are other, more likely culprits present today, like... (turns to young man in his mid-twenties)... YOU, Harry Clement! Your posts on the Internet Movie Data Base about your hatred of film critics are well known to everyone! Your contention that movie critics are no more qualified than the average moviegoer to express their opinion and that they are all so full of themselves and their own bloated egos that... ahem... "Someone" should take them down a peg... makes you highly suspect!

Clement: Again, Wentworth,. you go too far! I'm not saying anything that countless other posters on the same boards aren't saying! People in general have no more respect for a movie critic than they do for a politician or a used car salesman! And they don't deserve any more! I'm not tremendously sorry that Fuller is dead, but I'm certainly not the one who did the deed!

Wentworth: Yes, that's true! Because the one who really IS responsible... is RIGHT HERE! (Turns to a young girl who looks to be barely in her teens.) As always, the one who is the least suspected! Alexandra Jones, proprietor of not one, not two, but THREE different web sites dedicated to the "Twilight" films and their stars! When Fuller gave a negative review to "Twlight", your response was angry enough, but when he gave a similar review to "New Moon", you came right out and stated "Someone should kill that idiot for saying such horrible things about the most wonderful movie series of all time! Anyone who can't appreciate the wonder of "Twilight" doesn't deserve to live!" And you were seen within the vicinity of the Hopkins theatre on the night of Fuller's death, and just moments ago, I found (reaches into his pocker and pulls out a piece of paper)... THIS page from your diary on his body in which you confess to the killing!"

Jones: What are you talking about? I don't even keep a diary! You can't pin this on me...

Wentworth: Come in, officers, and take her away! We'll deal with her later! (Jones protests but is dragged off.) And I believe we can let the rest of you go now. But don't go too far, we may require you for further questioning! (Everyone else leaves.)

(Wentworth casually turns the piece of paper over, and finds the following written on the other side): "My Dear Mr. Wentworth... yes, I know that you will be the one to investigate my suicide. I did indeed say "suicide", because I was not pushed, I jumped. After taking a look at the schedule of new films to be released over the next year and realizing that film is STILL getting continually worse, I realized I could no longer continue to live in a world that offered nothing more than the prospect of another "Deuce Bigelow" sequel starring Rob Schneider. But I was that the famous celebrity homicide investigator whose exploits had resulted in so many questionable films would once again make an unbelievable case based on no solid foundation! So I planted the least believable evidence I could pointing to my death as a murder, knowing that when the truth of your failure was revealed, we would be seeing no more in that interminable "Inspector Wentworth" film series. My death will have served a worthwhile purpose!".... Andrew Fuller.)

Wentworth: Hmm... you might be surprised to learn, Fuller, that I'm capable enough of forging the confession on the other side of this note on a blank sheet of paper! I'm afraid that if I were reviewing your scheme, I would have to give it a thumbs down! And if I HAD the opportunity to kill you, well... I'm not saying I WOULD HAVE, but... one less movie critic in the world, and all that! (Stands a moment in thought, then strolls out of the room humming a jaunty tune, and remarking the following:) "Hmm... "Inspector Wentworth And The Death Of The Despicable Critic". I rather like the sound of that..."