Secondhand Reviews: "New Year's Eve"

Rated PG-13 for some strong language and sexual references. And of course alcohol use. DUH.

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Okay, okay, in the interests of fairness to those who might not have read enough of my hubs to know this, I'm not the world's greatest fan of romantic comedies. But I have showered praise on a few of them that I think have avoided the usual cliches of this normally formula-bound genre, like "Definitely, Maybe" and most recently the wonderful "Crazy, Stupid Love". Among the many positive things those films had was a sense that the stories were actually happening to real people, and not to plastic pieces the director was moving around on some kind of game board. Now, Garry Marshall, still fresh from last year's "Valentine's Day", gives us another movie in the same style, with virtually all the actors in Hollywood who were available starring in their own little short stories about romance and such. Is this one any better than that? As the Magic 8-Ball would put it, "Signs point to no".

it's New Year's Eve 2012 in New York City. The woman (played by Hillary Swank) in charge of the ball dropping in Times Square is thrown into a crisis when it freezes and it looks like the ceremony won't be able to come off. Another woman (Michelle Pfeiffer) with a list of special things she NEEDS to accomplish by midnight meets a younger man (Zac Efron) who is glad to help her accomplish all of them. A sick man (Robert Deniro) lies dying in a hospital, while his nurse (Halle Berry) is determined to make sure he at least lives long enough to see the New Year. About a dozen other similar stories are followed, all of them happening around NYC on the same night, and most of them never actually intersecting with any of the others.

Where, oh where to begin. Those few romcoms that really succeed do so by not stretching credibility past the breaking point... not asking the audience to say "It's only a silly comedy, who cares if it's believable?" This movie asks us to believe that Jon Bon Jovi, essentially playing himself, has become the biggest rock star in the world with a repertoire that is essentially nothing but cover versions of songs done better in the original (like John Hiatt's "Have A Little Faith In Me" and Otis Redding's "Can turn You Loose"... Bon Jovi's renditions are pathetic). It asks you to believe that Katherine Heigl can actually act, and convince you that she's the city's hottest chef/caterer. It asks you to believe in hundreds of little coincidences all happening at the same time to tie all the loose ends up before the conclusion. And it asks you to believe that the Times Square ball not dropping would result in the end of civilization as we know it. That's just for starters.

Then there's the script that seems to think the audience is so utterly stupid they can't be trusted to figure out the movie's message about the importance of love, so it has to put some long, rambling speech on the subject in the mouths of virtually every character in every scene. Yes, watch as the story grinds to a complete halt every five minutes so some character can pontificate about why you're a total loser if you're not in a relationship. Yawn.

How about the way that Oscar nominated performers all deliver work that's far below their previous record lows? Deniro, what's gone wrong? Why are you in this movie? Hillary Swank, is it too late to ask you to give your Oscars back? Halle Berry, how could you? Or how about characters who are just so totally cardboard it's impossible to get invested in them? Yes, there are a few isolated moments here and there that evoke a few chuckles... coincidentally, these scenes are among the few that have nothing to do with romance. Having found talking GPS features in cars to be amusing in their own right for some time now, I did laugh when Josh Duhamel keeps screaming "NEW YORK!" at his, only to have it respond with things like "NEW Haven!... NEW Hampshire!... NEW Bedford!". But when the only funny scenes in a romantic comedy don't involve romance, you have to KNOW that something is wrong.

Do you really, truly believe that Time's Square on New Year's Eve is a symbol of hope and new beginnings to people all around the world, or, like me, do you think it's a worn-out custom for people who want to freeze their extremities off to get on TV? Do you think that the question "Who are you going to kiss at midnight?" is really important, or, like me, do you never go out to parties and often not even remain awake until midnight? If you answered the former to either of those, you're just the sort of person Garry Marshall is making this movie for. As for myself, maybe I should just stop seeing these multi-star non-comedies.