Secondhand Reviews: "The A-Team"

Rated PG-13 for strong language and virtually endless (although not graphic and mostly bloodless) violence.

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Yes, it cannot be denied: if William Shakespeare were alive today, he would be writing films like "The A-Team", and Beethoven would be composing the musical score. Well, okay, maybe it can be denied. But that's nothing against the movie: I truly do not have any prejudice against a good action movie. After all, I loved the first "Die Hard" (the subsequent sequels a little less as they went on). But "The A-Team" just doesn't do it for me. All the things that make for a good action picture... well, I'll go into that in a little more detail in a moment. But first, the plot. Oh, pardon me a moment.... ha ha ha ha... that's a good one, the plot... okay, I'm better now. Let's proceed.

The A-Team is a group of four members of an elite military unit that undertakes the most dangerous missions nobody else will touch: Hannibal (Liam Neeson), Faceman (Bradley Cooper), B.A. Barackus (Quinton Jackson) and Murdock (Sharlito Copley). But on their latest mission they've been framed for some major wrongdoing and sent to prison. But of course, being heroes, they break out and go all-to clear their names, while their former military colleagues are trying to hunt them down. That is, while they're not blowing things up and causing every vehicle in site to crash and burst into flames.

Just for starters: this movie is non-stop action. And I DO mean non-stop. That's the sort of line that's often included in movie ads as a positive thing, but I don't think so. A good action movie is frequently referred to as being like a roller coaster: well, a roller coaster doesn't go full force at all times, does it? If slows down from time to time to let you recover from the last jolt before it charges up again. When a movie is so relentless it doesn't even stop to explain the missions but keeps cutting back and forth between a "reader's digest" condensed version of said explanation and the mission itself... going so fast you're almost on to the next mission before the explanation of the first is finished... the result, at least for me, is one big headache. Not to mention a feeling of having been thoroughly wrung out and tired at the end of the film: a great action film should leave the audience feeling excited and exhilarated.

Well, okay, but at least you could enjoy the amusing characters and their wacky antics, right? Well, I guess some people can, but I'm not among them. Maybe if they actually HAD been amusing to me. But this is another one of those movies where every major character is defined by one single characteristic rather than building an actual personality for them: Hannibal and his cigars, B.A. and his combination of snarling attitude (he doesn't actually PITY any fools here but he sure calls others that a lot) and constant shouting of his dialogue, Faceman with the perpetual self-satisfied smirk on his face as every woman he encounters melts in his presence, and Murdock's genial insanity combined with his brilliance as a pilot. Copley as Murdock was a particular disappointment, as he was so great in "District 9" but his character here is simply annoying... which makes him fit right in with all the others.

This is also one of those action movies ("guy movies", as some would say) that wants to make you THINK it believes that women can have a place in these kinds of films as something other than just eye candy, so it give us Minnesota's own Jessica Biehl as an officer who's had a former relationship with Faceman and is now in charge of tracking down the A-Team after they escape from Prison. Thing is, she's introduced in her first scene as someone who, however much intelligence she might have, is just one more of the conquests that have fallen at Faceman's feet, and it's implied that she still isn't entirely over him. And she's given no hint of a life apart from barking orders and getting dressed down by her superiors. But I guess that isn't really sexism, when nobody else has any real sense of an actual life, either.

Endless explosions. Constant car chases. One of the most utterly absurd action sequences in history as the A-Team floats to the ground in a tank with parachutes attached while firing at the planes trying to take them down (no, I am not making this up). And never a stop for characterization or catching your breath (or letting the headache subside). I have to admit that I do know some people for whom that sounds like the perfect description of the perfect movie. If you're one of them, you'll probably love "The A-Team", and I don't want to be the guy to say you shouldn't if that's the kind of thing that moves you. But I still can't forget "Die-Hard", with Bruce Willis as a real HUMAN action hero who manages to reel off the occasional wisecrack and be funny and triumph in the end... but only after really struggling to win. THAT'S what an action movie ought to be, as far as I'm concerned. Well, I guess "The A-Team" should be considered a learning experience. I learned a few things about what kind of movies I should avoid in the future, and by reading this review you just learned the name of one movie reviewer who won't be doing any reviews of any "A-Team" sequels.