Secondhand Reviews: "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part One"

Rated PG-13 for sexual situations and some violence that goes right to the edge of the PG-13 rating.

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There are times when it's really hard to admit in public that you;re a vampire fan. Okay, granted, "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" is strong ammunition in our defense, and the recent remake of "Fright Night" was surprisingly good, but more and more in recent years, the formerly fearsome creature of the night has become increasingly wimpy and bland. Nowhere is this more the case than the "Twilight" series (I'm talking strictly the movies here as I haven't read any of the books), and "Breaking Dawn: Part One" makes this point about as strongly as I could imagine... more so, even, than the other films in the series, some of which at least had a brief moment or two when you could see the potential the film had (even if it never lived up to it).

Edward and Bella finally get married near the very beginning of this film, and then go on their honeymoon down near Rio... where Bella mysteriously gets pregnant, something that isn't supposed to be possible with Edward, him being a vampire and all. The rest of the movie is pretty much Bella getting the life sucked out of her by her potential spawn and wondering if she'll even live long enough to give birth, and the werewolf clan (except for Jacob) preparing to do whatever they can to prevent this vampire offspring from being born. Sound like not much of a plot? Well, you'd be right. I kept waiting for the actual STORY to get underway, and when it finally did, it turned out to be the very last shot... we have to wait for the conclusion in part two to get the actual storyline.

Bella has at least had the occasional moment of self-assurance in earlier films, but in this movie she comes across as possibly the worst role model for young girls in the history of film. Never more of a whiny doormat than she is here, she responds to the news that her potential child will very possibly kill her by just shrugging it off like it doesn't matter and completely failing to understand why Edward might find it difficult to deal with raising the child alone if she dies in the process of giving birth to it. (She's supposed to love him, and she so totally fails to understand his feelings for her?) And she doesn't even think for a MOMENT about maybe not going through with this? (Even the most conservative, pro-life people are willing to make exceptions when the life of the mother is at stake!)

Not that Edward or Jacob are any better: Edward continues to get blander and more personality-free with each succeeding installment, and Jacob is essentially there for no real purpose, just because fans expect to see him (and, of course, to rip off his shirt in his very first scene). Taylor Lautner has not struck me as much of an actor in anything I've seen him in, but Robert Pattinson (in "Water For Elephants") and especially Kristen Stewart have shown real potential in other movies. So why are they always so remote and emotionally distanced in these movies? If it's supposed to be because that's how the characters are, it should still be possible to represent that and not have the characters be BORING.

And that plot... or lack of it! How is it even remotely possible for a movie about vampires and werewolves and big issues of life and death to last just a few minutes short of two hours and have virtually no story? We get major-league set-up for big plot developments near the beginning, then the ENTIRE MOVIE is one long session of waiting for them to pay off, only for the audience to be tricked by the old "ha ha, gotcha... you have to see the next movie for that!" bit. I have never been more puzzled by the huge numbers of fans these movies attract. Whatever the fans are seeing, I'm clearly missing it. And I'm very, very glad I won't have to keep searching for it much longer.

I suppose it's true that the "Twilight" series is pretty much critic proof... the people who love them will love them no matter what anyone says about them. And I'm obviously not one of those people. Every time I see a new "Twilight"... and especially this one... I find myself more and more appreciative of Buffy/Angel and Buffy/Spike, and feel more and more like watching one of the classic episodes as soon as possible afterward. And if you REALLY want to see what a chilling, frightening vampire tale can be like, check out any of the books in the "Strain" trilogy by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan. I would say that the "Twilight Saga" is "Vampire Light" by comparison, but that would be a vast understatement.